WASHINGTON, D.C.—After a two-year-long investigation that included thousands of indictments, hundreds of search warrants, and several guilty pleas, Robert Mueller and the FBI managed to provide conclusive proof that Hillary Clinton was actually just a terrible candidate, sources confirmed Monday.
The official report summary indicated that the main factor in Clinton losing the election was not Russian collusion but her just being a really bad nominee.
"We have uncovered damning evidence that Hillary Clinton lost the election by colluding with the DNC to be the absolute worst possible candidate," Mueller said in his first public address since the historic report was delivered. "As we could not find any Russian collusion, this was the only thing we managed to prove."
"I mean, she lost to Donald Trump, for Pete's sake," he added, shaking his head.
Investigators showed that Clinton's extreme lack of charisma or likability, her awful public policy record, her constant disparagement of millions of Americans she disagreed with, and her terrible campaign strategies resulted in her defeat.
"The only collusion we found was between Hillary Clinton and her campaign to be really unlikable," Mueller continued. "And while she really is repulsive to so many Americans, that's unfortunately not a crime, so I can't charge her with anything. Ugh."
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.