SANDY, UT — A local mom spent the better part of back-to-school-night side-eyeing every new teacher to try to determine which one might try to push her child into an irreversible gender transition.

Mom of four Sarah Larsen said she fondly remembers when back-to-school just meant grabbing a supply list from teachers and checking out which ones of her kids' friends were in their classes. "I really hate having to check for all the little clues that tell me a teacher is probably an insane neo-Marxist waiting for me to leave so she can ask my kid if they know there are more than two genders. Sigh."

Larsen said there are dead giveaways like pride flags and Black Lives Matter signs but there are also more subtle things to look for like pink hair, wall signs with quotes from George Takei, SheHulk posters, and tiny statues of Baphomet. It's exhausting to try to guess which teachers might indoctrinate her children and groom them into the alphabet cult, Larsen said, but if you don't stay on top of things the next thing you know your kid is coming home talking about pixie gender and demanding to go on puberty blockers.

"I don't know why parents would think I'm going to secretly try to transition their kids' gender behind their backs," 22-year-old pronoun-pin-wearing teacher Missy Johns (she/her) told fellow teachers. "I mean, I'm gonna secretly try to transition their kid's gender behind their backs, but it's weird that they'd think that."

As of publishing time, Larsen had said she'd have to roll the dice with her son's blue-haired math teacher and hope he doesn't come home talking about how J.K. Rowling is a TERF or how Dylan Mulvaney is a brave, beautiful, strong woman.

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