U.S. - In what can only be described as a huge win for the Biden Administration's COVID plan, CNN revealed this week that the total number of COVID deaths is actually going down.
"This is really, uh, quite something," said CNN anchor John King as the infamous COVID death counter rapidly ticked downward behind him. "Only a few days into the Biden presidency, and total deaths are already decreasing! We're not sure if it's Biden's brilliant mask mandate or his flawless vaccine delivery execution, but people across the country seem to be rising from their graves at a rapid pace-- over 200,000 just yesterday."
CNN executives are currently considering announcing the end of the COVID crisis in America. "At this point, I think we have better things to talk about," said CNN President Jeff Zucker. "Now that empathy and competence have returned to the White House, there's nothing really to report here anymore."
CNN has announced they will be pulling their COVID field reporters to cover the Biden family dogs and Jill Biden's exquisite wardrobe.