WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking development amid the uproar over whether congressional Republicans will seek to oust yet another Speaker of the House, current leader Mike Johnson unzipped a skinsuit to reveal he was Kevin McCarthy all along.
"Ha ha ha! Daddy's home, suckers!" McCarthy laughed at dumfounded reporters and congressional colleagues. "You thought you got rid of me? Wrong! I've been here all along, right under your noses! That's why you've been so disappointed with Mike Johnson's leadership — because it was ME! It was me all along! BWA HA HA HA HA!"
As an investigation into the whereabouts of the real, conservative-minded Rep. Mike Johnson began, McCarthy vowed to continue his reign with business as usual. "Now that I'm free of the facade of Mike Johnson, we can get back to work," he said. "Who can write up a quick appropriations bill to send another $50 billion to Ukraine? Let's get that to the floor as soon as possible!"
Congressional Democrats took the shocking incident as yet another victory. "We thought there was something familiar about the way Johnson kept caving in to our demands," House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries said. "It makes sense that we've still been working with Kevin McCarthy all along. Endless Ukraine funding, no border security, empty threats of impeachment… all the clues were there."
At publishing time, conservative GOP lawmakers were seeking a new candidate for Speaker who could disappoint them just as much without actually being Kevin McCarthy in disguise.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
