U.S. — With the horrific news breaking of yet another mass shooting at a school, the media has remained completely stumped as to anything recent mass shooters could have in common.
Journalists desperately pored over the profiles of mass shooters over the last four years, hoping to find any sort of similarity or connection.
"What could it be??" sighed CNN journalist Mark Beuhler. "Think, Mark, think. There has to be something these people have in common, some thread that ties them together. I keep looking at these photos, these social media profiles. I just can't see it."
Journalists warned the public that despite their best efforts, no pattern whatsoever could be discerned that might help explain these shootings. "There is no rhyme or reason that we can elucidate," said investigator Roger Malone. "If only there was some sort of life experience, prescription medication, online community, social indoctrination, political affiliation, anything that these people shared, perhaps we could help stop more of these from happening. It's too bad."
At publishing time, journalists had proudly announced the discovery that all of the recent mass shooters were white.
Coming soon to a Democrat-controlled city near you!
