Marco Rubio Named Interim Lawn Guy

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the wake of firing long-time White House lawn guy Juarez Stevenson, Secretary of State Marco Rubio scored yet another position today, with Trump naming Rubio interim Lawn Guy.

Trump reportedly tapped Rubio to take care of the White House lawn because of his outstanding performance as Secretary of State, Archivist of the United States, National Security Advisor, and Administrator of USAID.

"They asked me, 'Mr. President, who do you want edging and trimming the lawn while Stevenson's out?' and I told them, 'Get Rubio. He's the best,'" Trump told reporters. "He's a workhorse, little Marco is. Does an amazing job. Everyone in the White House says so. And have you seen how good his hair is? Such a perfect part. If he trims his sideburns like that, imagine what he could do to the shrubbery."

Rubio said that he was happy to pick up the extra job, as it allowed him to make a little extra cash.

"Between serving as interim Architect of the Capitol, interim head Librarian of Congress, interim Supreme Court stenographer, and now this, things are a little busy," Rubio admitted. "I can hold it down until we can get the job listings up. I hope."

At publishing time, Rubio had been named interim Director of Global Communications, interim White House Karaoke director, and interim White House PT guy.

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