LITTLE ROCK, AK — As Darren Phillips pulled himself out of bed on Thursday morning, it became apparent to him that there was a growing chance that he could go his whole life without ever mastering the ancient art of the nunchaku.
"This is my greatest fear," he said. "What's the point of life if I can't execute a perfect Maezato no Nunchaku? How am I going to protect anyone from a sudden ninja attack if I can't even do that?"
Nunchaku, also called nunchucks, are a classic martial arts weapon with two sticks connected by a cord or chain. The weapon has captivated American men since they were made popular by Michelangelo of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in the 1980's, though film star Bruce Lee later stole the idea.
According to sources, there is little reason for the average person to learn nunchaku due to the prevalence of guns and swords in the world. However, there remains something alluring about the ancient Okinawan weapon that appeals to the deep, hidden desires of a man.
"Bruce Lee looks so cool when he uses them," Phillips said. "But not as cool as Michelangelo. I want to look cool. But now it might not ever happen."
Family members hoping to comfort Phillips reportedly encouraged him to go to a kid's karate class and learn the nunchucks if that would make him feel better, but he declined, saying he had too much work to do.
At publishing time, Darren Phillips had been found dead as the result of a ninja attack.
Coming soon to a Democrat-controlled city near you!
