ROANOKE, VA — Local man Kamal Ram found himself this morning pining for the good old days when a guy could log onto the internet without seeing gay Capitol sex tapes.

"Ah, those were the days," said Ram wistfully. "We lived in simpler times, last Thursday."

According to sources, Ram had enjoyed a morning cup of coffee and had a nice devotional time before innocently opening his laptop to watch some basketball highlights. "Oh, come on!" said Ram as his eyes were immediately assaulted with a gay Capitol sex tape. "I didn't sign up for this! I just wanted to watch some basketball! Can we just not do this, America? Okay? Can we please allow everyone to check their phones without seeing dudes getting weird in the Capitol?"

Nauseated and longing for blindness, Ram was left yearning for the days of yore. "We didn't know how good we had it," sighed Ram. "We just went online, never thinking we were about to be shown gay sex tapes filmed inside the nation's Capitol. Those were the days, man."

At publishing time, ophthalmology offices across the nation had been overwhelmed by patients who had poured copious amounts of bleach on their eyeballs.

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