NEW YORK, NY — As the New York City mayoral race entered its final stretch before Tuesday's election, leading candidate Zohran Mamdani sought to broaden his appeal with undecided voters by promising to establish rent-free gulags throughout the city in which he would graciously imprison his political opponents and also everyone else.
Mamdani made the announcement at a rally on Saturday while putting the finishing touches on his campaign to be elected mayor, assuring New York citizens that they would have equal opportunity to be placed in state-run gulags at no cost.
"Every New Yorker has a right to a free cell!" Mamdani told the crowd. "It is my vow to all New Yorkers that, if you disagree with me and try to stand in the way of my progressive socialist policies, or if I decide your labor is needed, I will put you up — for FREE — in a brand-new gulag. How I will pay for these rent-free gulags is irrelevant. Just know that you will live out the rest of your lives without having to worry about how you're going to pay for your prison cells. I love New York! Death to America!"
Members of the news media raved about Mamdani's compassionate promise. "We've never seen kindness like this from a politician before," said one journalist. "The man literally vowed to provide rent-free imprisonment for people. This is what a real leader is supposed to do. Zohran! Zohran! Zohran!"
At publishing time, Mamdani had made an additional promise that all the meals at the rent-free gulgas would be provided by his government-run grocery stores.
What happens when a politically divided family sit down for a "peaceful" dinner?
