NEW YORK, NY — As residents of the Big Apple made their way to the polls today, New York City mayoral candidate Zohran Mamdani preemptively announced plans to blame racism after his policies fail.
The overwhelming favorite to win the race, Mamdani made sure to prepare a foolproof fallback explanation that the failure of his progressive, socialist agenda was due entirely to Americans being racists.
"It won't be my fault," Mamdani told a crowd of supporters and media at a final election day campaign rally. "If my plan to turn New York City into a miniature version of Venezuela mixed with a little bit of Sharia Law fails miserably, it won't be because it's a combination of historically evil and unsuccessful ideologies. No, it'll be because of racism. And the Jews."
The Ugandan-born Mamdani, who has pledged radical prison and police reforms to make things easier for criminals and the establishment of government-run grocery stores, expressed supreme confidence that only America's inherent racism could keep his policies that have failed everywhere else from failing again in New York. "It's the only plausible explanation," he said. "Though socialism has failed every single time when attempted on a large scale, it's not because it doesn't work. It's just racism. Because I'm a Democrat, and that's what we say."
At publishing time, Mamdani had taken a commanding lead in exit polls among women, jihadis, and morons.
What happens when a politically divided family sit down for a "peaceful" dinner?
