U.S. — A recent study has found that the level of sinful lust generated by Victoria's Secret mailers has plummeted a staggering 800% in recent years. Experts are now attributing this significant decline to one simple, yet profound reason: the once-sexy magazine just isn't as seductive as it used to be.
"We were absolutely flabbergasted by the results," admitted Dr. Albert Jones, lead researcher of the study. "Apparently replacing beautiful, in-shape babes with obese women and hairy dudes in lingerie causes the lust factor to plummet drastically for some reason."
According to sources, many participants in the study reported feeling a different kind of deep sense of disappointment and shame than usual upon receiving the latest Victoria's Secret mailer. One recipient even remarked, "I've seen more enticing, sexy photos in farm equipment catalogs."
Even the Prince Of Darkness, Lucifer himself weighed in on how torn he is over the issue. "On the one hand, I hate beauty and I applaud Victoria's Secret for trying to deconstruct and distort it by presenting morbid obesity and queerness as objectively beautiful," explained Satan. "But I mean c'mon where's all the hot, tantalizing LUST these days?! These things used to be serious sin gateways!"
At publishing time, Satan promised to restore the sinful lustiness to the mailers and that he would not rest until he had made Victoria's Secret sexy again.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
