SAN DIMAS, CA—Nutritionists reported Monday that they are “totally baffled” by local youth pastor Kyle “Krazy 8” Brenton, as the minister to high schoolers has survived entirely on pizza and Mountain Dew for the past thirteen years.
Brenton reportedly consumes the high-calorie, high-fat food and sugar-saturated beverages at breakfast, lunch, and dinner, not once getting a chance to take a break from the popular sources of sustenance for youth groups all over the world.
“We have a wacky fun night just about every evening around here at Swirling Fireball Youth Group, so I’m always chugging the leftover Dew and taking out a few pepperoni pizzas for breakfast the next morning,” Brenton told reporters as he microwaved his midday meal, a combination pizza that he’d wash down with a 6-pack of Mountain Dew Code Red.
“By all accounts, Kyle Brenton should be dead by now,” one nutritionist said Monday. “It’s truly a medical marvel—or perhaps, a miracle—that he hasn’t simply dropped dead from consuming hundreds of thousands of calories worth of pizza and Dew each and every week.”
When asked why he doesn’t simply purchase other foods for his breakfast and lunch meals, Brenton claimed his modest compensation of $3 per hour simply isn’t enough to eat out or buy a few cups of ramen, though church leadership was quick to point out that Brenton is also given a $50 expense account for the year.
“Yeah, Krazy 8 runs the most lit youth group around!” one girl told reporters. “I love coming to church to play some arcade games, eat pizza, and drink Mountain Dew, just like it says in the Bible.”