FORT WORTH, TX — Bystanders at Andretti Karting reported that local dad Mark Hamilton was clearly just using his children as an excuse to ride go-karts.
According to onlookers, Hamilton informed his daughter Sarah that she was below the 48-inch line required for kids to ride solo, despite her obviously being three inches over the line.
"Whoa, sorry, kiddo. Looks like we're going together," said Hamilton, throwing on his driving shades. "And we are SPRINTING to kart 34 when the gate opens. I've been watching. The regulator on that kart is clearly malfunctioning; it's hitting top speeds no other kart is hitting. We get on the inside track early, we are going to dominate, babe. The gate's up! Go, go, go!"
Hamilton burst off the starting line, kart 34 roaring quickly into contention.
"LEAN INTO THE TURN! LEAN, SARAH! YOU'RE KILLING OUR AERODYNAMICS!" Hamilton shouted while attempting to draft behind a 12-year-old. "We've got a clean line to pass coming out of turn four. Daddy needs you to be brave."
At publishing time, Hamilton had been seen celebrating his dominant victory while Sarah vomited into a nearby trash can.
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