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Lady You Barely Know At Church Going In For The Hug

U.S.—Some lady you barely know at church was going in for the hug Sunday during your congregation’s customary greeting time, sources close to you confirmed.

The tragic event occurred just after the worship leader asked everyone to “walk around and shake hands with 5 people you don’t know.” You reportedly stood there smiling tightly at passersby and nodding at several acquaintances, looking down at your phone whenever possible.

But just when you thought you had weathered the brunt of the trial, this lady just blindsided you from 3 o’clock, arms extended. “Hey! Good morning, how are you!” she said shrilly as you shrank back, but realized with horror you had nowhere to run.

You endured the hug bravely, smelling the faint scent of a unique concoction of Bath & Body Works fruit sprays on her person as she continued embracing you for what felt like 3 hours, but actually lasted a mere 15 seconds, according to sources. Since you had been ambushed, you didn’t have time to properly extend your arms, so they ended up awkwardly folded across your stomach, sandwiched in between the two of you for the duration of the assault.

At publishing time, you’d resolved to slip out to the restroom during next Sunday’s greeting time.

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