WASHINGTON, D.C. — HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced that Seal Team Six conducted a daring overnight raid and has neutralized the infamous Kool-Aid Man.
The Kool-Aid Man did not go down easily, given his remarkable ability to run through walls without sustaining injury. However, his thick glass exterior ultimately proved no match for a rocket fired by an FGM-148 Javelin.
"He died like a dog," announced Kennedy. "There was artificial dye everywhere. Congratulations to the heroes of Seal Team Six for ridding the world of this highly synthetic monster."
Long-known for unexpectedly bursting into people's homes and forcing children to drink sugar and artificial dye, the Kool-Aid man had been labeled a high-priority target by Kennedy. "That's one down," said Kennedy, marking an "x" through a picture of the anthropomorphic pitcher. "Next up, Tony the Tiger. Childhood-onset diabetes isn't 'grrreat!' You're going down, pal."
At publishing time, Kennedy had reportedly put out a $100,000 reward for information leading to the capture or elimination of "Little Debbie."
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