WASHINGTON, D.C.—Washington has found a new sustainable source of energy. While the city typically has been powered by various sources from fossil fuels and hydropower to solar and the spinning of the Founding Fathers in their graves, the capital of the United States will now be powered by Jen Psaki backpedaling on an exercise bike.
Psaki will be asked to sit on a stationary electric bicycle during all of her press conferences. When she's asked about Biden's policy on an issue, say, the likelihood of the Taliban taking over Afghanistan or Biden's position on vaccine mandates, she'll begin backpedaling. The resulting energy is unrivaled in terms of the number of terawatts generated. Wires hooked up to the bicycle will then carry enough power to run all of Washington for many months.
"Frankly, there's probably enough energy here to power the entire Eastern Seaboard," said one scientist, Dr. Frank C. Lorryn. "We've found this great source of clean energy here, right under our noses. Sadly, we do have to hear her talk, so you're still getting a lot of hot air pumped into the atmosphere. So it might be a wash in the end."
At publishing time, scientists had asked Psaki to "circle back" while hooked up to the power grid for twenty minutes a day to generate enough energy to power the entire world.