NEW YORK, NY — This week, cultural critic James Lindsay was suspended from Twitter for persistently criticizing teachers who sexualize small children. Though Twitter announced a permanent ban, Lindsay was able to sneak back on the platform by simply declaring himself an actual teacher who sexualizes small children.
"How do you do, fellow elementary sex-educators??" said Lindsay via his new Twitter persona, Jameson Lindergarten. "Gosh, I sure do love teaching children about my sexuality and helping them find their true pronouns!!"
The new bio from "Mr. Lindergarten" has already earned accolades from the pedophile community, with many applauding his remarkable courage. Initial comments included affirming Tweets from profiles with diverse handles like "@Gr00m_Th3_Kidz," "@Twerk_4_Teach3r," and "@Don't_Tell_Mom." Twitter is in the process of awarding Lindergarten verification and giving him 300,000 bot followers to help boost his following.
According to Twitter, the concerted effort to remove any criticism of child molesters is already beginning to pay dividends. "We are proud to report that we are already seeing a much more positive, affirming stance towards pedophilia on Twitter," said spokesman Jim Rapier. "Still, we have work to do. There are other bigots out there in the mold of James Lindsay who want to make child molesters feel bad. We will not rest until everyone feels safe to sexually indoctrinate young children."
At publishing time, the Biden administration had announced "Mr. Lindergarten" would receive the "National Teacher of the Year" award, to be presented by Rachel Levine.
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: