U.S. — During what was supposed to be a friendly board game night, Candace Owens was eliminated from Clue after formally accusing "The Jews" during the first round of play.
"IT WAS THE JEWS!" Owens cried. "The Jews, in the Conservatory, with the Space Laser!"
In Clue, the classic "whodunit" board game, players are charged with solving the murder of Mr. Boddy by determining where he was killed, with what weapon, and by whom. Owens, knowing that the Jews are secretly in control of the entire world, knew she wouldn't need to find any clues to solve the mystery.
"It's so obvious!" she explained. "The Conservatory is the only room made of glass that a space laser could see through, and the Jews use space lasers! There is literally no way it can be any other answer."
Owens' husband, George Farmer, tried to dissuade his wife. "Honey, think about this for a minute. We shuffled a bunch of cards together and randomly selected three to put in the envelope. If there were only one possible answer we wouldn't have to choose a random solution from different cards."
"That's just what the Jews want you to think! Open your mind!" she said, dismissing her husband.
The other players tried to explain that "Jews" and "Space Laser" were not valid options, but it was too late. She opened the envelope that held the game's solution, thus eliminating herself from the game.
"This can't be," she said, crestfallen. "The Jews tampered with this envelope!"
According to sources, it was not the Jews. It was Colonel Mustard in the Study with the Rope.
At publishing time, Candace Owens was vindicated after she did her own research and determined Colonel Mustard was a Jew.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
