BROOKLYN, NY — Introverted conference attendee Art Pendelton was torn this morning between participating in a mandatory icebreaker or throwing himself off a bridge.
After the conference leader's enthusiastic announcement that everyone would be having some fun getting to know one another with "Two Truths and a Lie", Pendleton began carefully weighing the pros and cons of talking to strangers or hurling himself into the deep.
"On one hand, a 200-foot plunge into the water might hurt a bit before death takes me, and there's also a real finality to it. ," Pendelton said quietly to himself. "On the other hand, if I stay, I have to look a total stranger in the eye and tell her what my favorite hobby is. What to do, what to do."
According to surveys, the vast majority of introverts would prefer any sort of non-lethal injury to icebreakers, but are divided on certain death. Typically, lost limbs are favored over get-to-know-you games, yet guaranteed mortality introduces more complexity to the data.
At publishing time, Pendelton had begun calculating how quickly he could reach his hotel balcony to jump before being forced to make a human pyramid with the logistics team for a photo.
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