BATAVIA, IL — According to sources, local man Carson Fitzgerald is showing the world what true integrity looks like by saying unbelievably stupid things on the internet even though no one is paying him to do so.
"Some people call me a 'shill,' or claim I'm doing all this for money to promote an agenda," said Fitzgerald while working on a new hot take to post on social media. "But that's not true. I can't be bought. Everything I say comes from my deep passion and superior intellect."
"He's stupid for free," said an acquaintance. "The amount of inane, brainless drivel that guy posts on the internet every day, for no compensation whatsoever, is mind-boggling. You don't see integrity like that very often. It's truly inspiring."
Experts believe Fitzgerald isn't the only one. "As it turns out, there are billions of people around the world constantly saying moronic things on the internet, all entirely of their own accord," said one researcher with the Foundation for Targeted Analysis & Research Databases (FTARD). "No one is paying them, no one is asking them. It's an extraordinary phenomenon."
At publishing time, Fitzgerald had further demonstrated his moral fiber by refusing a lucrative offer to stop posting on the internet.
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