'Insurance Will Pay For All These Businesses,' Says Man Who Has Clearly Never Dealt With An Insurance Company

DETROIT, MI—According to sources, local expert and full-time gamer Chase Toodleburry is reassuring small business owners everywhere that having their businesses destroyed by rioters is "no big deal" since insurance covers that stuff.

"Rioting is a victimless crime," said Toodleburry. "Insurance pays for all that. Insurance is like this really cool thing where if something gets destroyed or stolen they will swoop in and pay for all of it, no questions asked. I mean, I've never dealt with an insurance company before but I'm almost 100% positive that's how it works."

According to other sources who claim to be friends with Toodleburry, insurance is sort of like this magical force that erases pain and suffering. It reverses all damage and restores all that has been broken, kind of like Jesus or a healing class in an MMORPG. Insurance companies have confirmed that they do indeed offer that level of coverage, but it costs approximately 12 million dollars plus an acre of land and a herd of livestock per week. 

Local business owners have not yet responded to Toodleburry's assurances because they are too busy on the phone with insurance companies trying to get them to look at the claims they filed 3 months ago.

Babylon Bee subscriber Joel Brenneman contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!
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