WASHINGTON, DC—In a landmark 5-4 decision led by alleged dogmatic constitutional extremist Amy Coney Barrett, the Supreme Court has decided the First Amendment can stay.
"This blatantly anti-science decision will kill trillions of people," said CNN reporter Dan Bernapinkle. "We here at CNN tried to warn you that Trump's SCOTUS nominees would usher in a dark age of wanton freedom in direct violation of Science's wishes, but no one heard our warnings because the airports were closed due to COVID."
In her written opinion, which she wrote in 3 minutes without consulting any notes, ACB said: "Yeah... so, the First Amendment includes freedom of religion and assembly. I asked my clerks to see whether there was a 'virus clause' somewhere in there and they didn't find any. I'm just a Supreme Court Justice and I'm not allowed to remove amendments, so yeah -- the First Amendment stays. Sorry, guys."
In his dissenting opinion, Justice Roberts said, "Someone help me. Decisions are scary. I'm not anti-science! Am I doing this right? Please love me!"
According to experts, Science is angrily demanding that the First Amendment be done away with completely to protect public health. Democrats are recommending stacking the court before Science gets even angrier.