BOLZANO — The Galactic Empire was met with collective disappointment in its first chance at bringing home a medal at the 2026 Milano-Cortina Winter Olympic Games, as an Imperial stormtrooper once again finished dead last in the qualifying round of the men's biathlon.
While insiders said that the Empire had high hopes for winning multiple events at the games, the opening days left leadership underwhelmed, as for the 13th consecutive Winter Olympics, the Imperial stormtrooper sent to compete in the biathlon put on a miserable performance.
"He didn't hit a single target," said NBC commentator and former biathlon competitor Chad Salmela. "I know he spent months training for this event on Hoth, but it was almost like he couldn't see anything at all with that helmet on. He would ski up to the shooting range, get into position with his blaster, and just not come anywhere near the target. It was embarrassing. I'm not sure why the Empire continues to send stormtroopers to compete in the biathlon. They've been trying since the 1980 games, but they finish last every time. They can't hit anything."
Though other events still offered promise, sources close to the Imperial contingent revealed that stormtrooper biathletes regularly draw the ire of Emperor Palpatine. "We usually never see them again after we get back to Coruscant," said one Imperial athlete. "There's usually a flash of blueish-purple lightning and some screams of agony, and the stormtrooper is gone. It's a shame, because they're actually really good at the cross-country skiing part of the event."
At publishing time, the Imperial ski jumping team had been hit with a cheating scandal alleging that the height and distance of their jumps were artificially aided by the Force abilities of Coach Darth Vader.
Coming soon to a Democrat-controlled city near you!
