WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a moving interview with Elle Magazine, Kamala Harris told inspiring stories of how she has fought for truth and justice since the very day of her birth. In one instance she recalled her fight to keep the streets free of illegal marijuana as a very young child.

"I was a spunky kid, a really spunky kid. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" said Harris, cackling uncomfortably for a full 10 minutes before continuing. "I used to go up and down the streets on my tricycle and approach drug dealers. I would walk right up to them, hahaha, and I would say, hahaha, do you know what I would say? I would say, hey man, you got any iwwegal dwugs? HAHAHAHAHAHAA! Then I would grab them by the arm and drag them to the local jail. I guess you could say I've always cared about justice." 

The Elle interview confirmed that Harris single-handedly rounded up thousands of minority young men in her community and sent them to prison for non-violent drug offenses all before she turned 6. 

"As I sat down with her, I felt I was not in the presence of a mere human, but something greater," said interviewer Ashley Ford of Elle Magazine. "When Kamala told me about cleaning up the streets as a little girl, I was moved. But when she told me about the time she was burned at the stake for fighting for the 'fweedom of Fwance' from English tyranny in the 15th century, I wept. Surely there has never been a woman like this."

Harris has grown out of her hatred for illegal drugs and has since promised to reverse the mass incarceration policies she helped enforce. She has promised to find other reasons to put everyone in jail instead.