SPRINGFIELD, IL - Christian Cedric Watkins was considering how to evangelize when Satan himself weighed in on the subject matter. "Here's one thing I know: If you talk about me like I'm real, you'll feel like an idiot," Satan advised.

Satan went on to explain how the concept of himself -- a literal personification of evil -- was a quaint, silly notion to modern ears and would only cause people to dismiss Watkins if he was brought up. "I mean, you understand how it sounds?" Satan continued. "'Ooh! The devil is after you! Also, watch out for orcs and griffins!'"

"Yeah, but you're evil and are going to give me bad advice," Watkins said, trying to stand up to the being known as "the prince of the power of the air" and other really quaint titles.

"Even so," Satan answered. "You have to admit I'm right about this. Everyone is going to make fun of you. If you want to talk about evil tendencies, talk about brain chemistry or something like that. People love science. You'll feel much smarter and have more confidence if you use scientific language."

Watkins decided to take Satan's words under advisement. Satan also said that Watkins should avoid talking about sexual sins, as society has moved past those, and that he should definitely not say that Jesus is the only way to Heaven, as that comes off as extremely intolerant.