KANSAS CITY, MO — Local man Dave Barrett let friends and family know he was totally gay by announcing he loves the band Coldplay.
"Look, I'm not ashamed of who I am," Barrett told his friends. "I like Coldplay, ok? It's just who I am, I was born this way. I'm proud of who I am and who I love. And love is love."
The undeniably gay Barrett went on to explain to his family that he even likes the lesser-known Coldplay stuff. "You know, the songs they didn't play on the radio every day during the late 90s? It's not all just ‘Clocks' and ‘Yellow'. All their music is amazing, and I enjoy the company of men. Sorry, Mom and Dad, this has been a long time coming."
Coldplay enjoys a large fanbase of mostly homosexual men and dentist office patients who can't turn off the music coming in over the speakers. The band, headed by Gweneth Paltrow's ex-husband Chris Martin, has failed to secure fans among straight men or anyone who doesn't want to fall asleep while driving.
As of publishing time, Barrett's brother had also announced he was gay by telling his parents he enjoys watching Wes Anderson films and playing pickleball.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
