BOSTON, MA—After spending a long day celebrating the revelation that President Trump likely violated campaign finance laws and fantasizing over all the long-shot possibilities for the President getting impeached, local progressive Mark Patton was suddenly overcome with a wave of terror as he realized that Mike Pence is next in line for the presidential office.
Though he had laid out 482 different possible scenarios in which Trump might get impeached on his Twitter account, he had never considered that getting rid of Trump would install the extremely conservative and religious Mike Pence into the highest office of the land.
Patton then constructed over 52 hypothetical scenarios in which Pence is subsequently impeached, only to realize that he would then be installing Speaker of the House Paul Ryan into the presidential office.
“Oh man,” he muttered, staring off into the void. “I don’t like Trump at all, but Pence… oh man.” He then picked a daisy and began to pluck off its petals, whispering, “Pence is better… Trump is better… Pence is better… Trump is better” as he each one fluttered to the ground.
At publishing time, a local Christian felt a wave of relief rushing over him after suddenly realizing that Mike Pence is next in line for the presidency.