LOS ANGELOS, CA — A local homeless man reported over the weekend that he had been made fun of by all of the other homeless men for not having an iPhone 17.
According to witnesses, transient Ralph Nichols was brutally mocked by his fellow hobos for not having the latest iPhone like everyone else.
"Hey guys, check out the loser bum over here who doesn't even have a 17!" one disheveled man allegedly said. "I bet he still goes to the library to use the computers all day instead of getting a free government handout to buy one for himself. What a doofus. Can't believe this guy's even out here on the streets with brains like that."
Nichols tried to fight back, but was eventually overcome with shame.
"Hey, come on guys, I can still watch TikTok on here — the camera is just slightly lower quality," Nichols protested. "It's still a really good phone. Not every homeless guy is as blessed with as many advantages as other homeless guys."
His further remarks were drowned out by a chorus of men yelling endearments like, "Nerd!" "Luddite!" and "Loser!"
At publishing time, Nichols had been made fun of again for spending his unemployment checks on stupid stuff like food instead of crack cocaine and a Peacock subscription.
Liberal Brynnleigh witnesses a communist utopia in action!
