WASHINGTON, DC - The beltway was buzzing this week as rumors spread that Hillary Clinton was seriously considering another humiliating loss in the 2024 presidential election.
As a former First Lady, Senator, Secretary of State, and person who absolutely had nothing to do with the death of Vince Foster, Mrs. Clinton is still considered one of the leading lights among top Democrats, with approval ratings above even the sitting senile President and embarrassingly unqualified Vice President whom everybody hates.
ITT Tech Political Science Professor Glenn Measure commented, "Again and again, public opinion polls show that vast majorities of people would choose Hillary Clinton as the person they would most want to see the Presidency dangled in front of, only to have it yanked away in the most painful and humiliating way possible."
Additional speculation included who Mrs. Clinton would lose to. Some of the most-discussed possibilities included Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, Elon Musk, Elon Musk's robot vacuum cleaner, and several varieties of rocks common to the Washington DC area. Said Professor Measure, "Hillary's name will continue to be mentioned because she carries an aura of inevitability. Crushing, devastating, hilarious inevitability."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
