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Have you gone into massive debt to earn a college degree? Congratulations! You now have a piece of paper that says you're smart! The whole world is wide open to you now. There's nothing you can't do!
To help you pick from the endless jobs now available to you, we compiled a list of the top 10 jobs available to people who have paid at least $100,000 for their education:
1) Garbage man's assistant: Waste disposal professionals hire special assistants for important tasks-- like standing inside the trash compacter to spray Febreeze on the garbage so it doesn't smell so bad. A rewarding career!
Pay: Minimum wage plus all the garbage you can keep!
2) Debt collector for other in-debt college students: Make sure you have some experience breaking knees.
Pay: 10% of what you collect minus brass knuckle costs
3) Mary Kay double diamond assistant to the regional sales boss babe: We're not sure what this is because none of us graduated college, but it sounds prestigious! Double diamond! Wow! We are told this position will bring you untold wealth within a year with little effort. You go, girl!
Pay: Estimated $12 billion trillion per month
4) The guy who touches the wire for the electrician to see if it's still live: Well, someone's gotta make sure, and it isn't gonna be him! Electricians are hiring college grads to do this important job in increasing numbers!
Pay: A polite "thank you" from the skilled tradesman and as much copper wire as you can steal
5) Games journalist: Be an intellectual thought-leader in the game industry! Only the most elite college grads will qualify for this universally respected gig.
Pay: Whatever CD Projekt Red will pay you to say Cyberpunk was good
6) Amazon warehouse pee bottle cleaner: Amazon workers don't have time for the restroom, and that's where you come in college grad! Keep those bottles empty and clean so workers can meet their quota.
Pay: You can take the extra bottles to a recycling center and turn them in for cold hard cash!
7) Biden's official food chewer: So you want to work in politics, huh? Well with a $100K degree, you should be qualified to chew Biden's food for him! If you at least have your Master's degree, you are also qualified to regurgitate it directly into his mouth like a mother bird!
Pay: Unlimited hair sniffs
8) Citizen of Portland: These fine specimens of humanity basically get paid to do nothing except be weird! It's the American dream! With hard work, you may be promoted to a professional rubber bullet catcher or tear gas tester.
Pay: Whatever the government gives you
9) Youth pastor: As far as we know, these guys don't really do anything. Winning!
Pay: Free pizza, and you get to use the church card at Forever 21
10) Babylon Bee writer: The most prestigious and sought-after writing career in human history. As long as you can make fun of AOC at a 3rd-grade level, you're in!
Pay: As many libs as you can own
NOT SATIRE: Praxis is a year-long apprenticeship program that matches you with a full-time, paid job at a growing business. The program offers a direct route into high-potential careers for driven young people without the cost and hassle of college. Babylon Bee readers can earn a $1,000 tuition scholarship to a 2021 cohort and join hundreds of successful college opt-outs. Click here for a free book on personal growth and scholarship information.