Many Americans think Trump lost the election, but it ain't over 'til it's over, baby! While all those squishy, spineless Republicans surrender to Sleepy Joe and his fraudulent ballots, we here at The Babylon Bee have found 10 clear paths to victory for your favorite president!
- Appeal the Supreme Court case to the Ultra Court-- Very few people know about the secret Ultra Court, which is the real highest court in the land. Trump secretly created this court 2 years ago and appointed Rudy Giuliani as the Supreme Ultra Court Chief Justice. Sources say Trump's case is a slam dunk here.
- Release an actual live Kraken in Joe Biden's basement-- We're not sure how and where to obtain a Kraken, but we're sure Trump does since it's probably in that top-secret book of secrets all presidents get to read. Based on how Biden did with his dog, we reckon the Kraken will keep him busy for a while down there.
- Offer the electors free Trump resort vacations to switch their votes-- This isn't bribery. This is SAVING AMERICA, people.
- Release a stink bomb in the White House so everything will smell and the Democrats won't want it anymore-- We all know how sensitive Biden is to different smells. As far as we can tell, this plan is foolproof. The only danger is if everyone gets COVID and can't smell anything.
- Seduce Kamala Harris and replace Biden-- This will be easy for Trump, since he is widely known as America's most attractive and alluring president, maybe ever.
- Bring his own gavel to the Supreme Court hearings so he can call the shots-- The Constitution says that whoever holds the gavel is in charge. If Trump obtains this ancient relic, it's game over. This should also be no problem for Trump provided his hands are large enough to hold the gavel.
- Institute infinite daylight saving time so January 20th never comes-- With a stroke of his pen, Trump can make daylight saving time last forever and trap us in time suspension where he remains president for eternity. Imagine how many snowflakes that would melt! A lot, we bet.
- Get the election certified on Opposite Day-- This is another easy executive action for Trump. If people don't want to be trapped in infinite daylight saving time, just institute a federal Opposite Day on the day of certification! We're not sure why Trump's legal team hasn't thought of this yet!
- Argue that Pennsylvania isn't a real state-- Who says it's a real state anyway? Seriously-- have you ever seen Pennsylvania? Case closed.
- Go back in time to stop Joe Biden from running-- Sleepy Joe must be stopped. Who's going to stop him? Time-travelling Trump, that's who! We heard Elon Musk has time machines and stuff like that. He can make this happen.
Here are ten clear paths to victory for Donald Trump. Don't give up patriots! WE WILL NOT GO QUIETLY INTO THE NIGHT!