Politics U.S. Donald Trump
Having Solved All Earthly Problems, Trump Announces Space Force

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Barely 500 days into his presidency, Donald Trump is now facing a unique problem: there is nothing left for him to do. Having absolutely and completely solved all problems foreign and domestic, united everyone in perfect harmony, and ushered in unprecedented peace and prosperity, Trump has been forced to spend his days feuding with celebrities and random Twitter accounts.

But yesterday in a surprise news conference, Trump excitedly announced that he had found one area in which he had not yet fixed every problem.

“I will turn my problem-solving skills to the final frontier: space!” Trump told gathered reporters as he pointed upwards, which is, according to Trump, “the direction most scientists agree space is in.” “Every night we look up at all those lights in the sky and wonder what those are. Are they terrorists? Are they just kids far away with really powerful flashlights? Whatever it is, it has to be handled. Which is why I am announcing a new branch of the military: Space Force!”

Trump then went on to detail the new Space Force and how it would have “rockets, lasers, dehydrated ice cream — all the things needed to solve space-type problems.” Trump finally bid the world adieu as he left to join Space Force on a seven-year mission to solve all the universe’s problems, finding new civilizations on new planets and building walls there to “keep them out”.