CAMBRIDGE, MA — In the wake of the Trump administration freezing $2.3 billion in federal funding to Harvard University, leaders of the university are sounding the alarm that the loss of funding will severely cripple their ability to find a final solution to the Jewish Problem.
The Jewish Problem, according to Harvard, is that there are many Jews on campus and these Jews believe they have a right to attend classes without being harmed, even though they are Jews. Trump had frozen federal funding in part over a disagreement with the university's tolerance for violent antisemitism on campus, which Harvard says may actually be part of the solution they've been trying to find.
"We have to solve the Jewish Problem," said University spokesperson Abdul Muhammed Al-Muhammed. "Federal funds being frozen mean we simply can't conduct the important research we have been working on to combat Jewish influence and control over the various media, economies, and governments around the world."
"Sieg Heil, and Allahu Akbar," he added.
At publishing time, Harvard was dipping into their $53 billion in endowment funds to see about converting some of their buildings into an area where they can concentrate all their Jewish students so they don't infringe on the rights of all the other students on campus.
Meet Juan. He came to this country with a dream to commit crime. This is his story.
