EL PASO, TX — After hearing about the size of the average American, Haitian cannibal gangs rushed the southern border near El Paso this week in a race to be first in line for the smorgasbord.
"Hey man, look at dat," Haitian cannibal and political leader Barbecue said. "Those are some chunky, chubby, rolly polly people coming at me. Hang on, let me grab my bib and steak knives. It's lunchtime!"
After reports surfaced of Haitian gang members cannibalizing their victims, coup leader Barbecue announced he would be taking his men across the U.S. border to find a more plentiful source of food. With a nearly 30 percent overall obesity rate among adults, experts believe the U.S. is poised to be a prime destination for those wishing to dine on human flesh.
"We've seen a sharp rise in adult BMI rates over the past few years," CDC Spokeswoman Sheila Jameson told reporters. "This would explain the sudden influx of Haitian cannibal gangs pouring over our southern border in search of better sources of food."
As of publishing time, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez had condemned Republicans for referring to the cannibalistic Haitian warlords as "illegals", asserting that these men are only crossing the border to find a better, more sustainable way to feed their growing craving for human meat.
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