OSLO — The Nobel Committee announced that it had officially chosen Greta Thunberg to receive the Nobel Peace Prize for her pivotal role in bringing an end to the war in Gaza.
"Without her heroic and daring flotillas, this peace deal would never have happened," said Jørgen Biørgen, the Assistant to the Vice Chair on the committee. "She braved the waters of the Mediterranean armed with nothing but Instagram, a pallet of snacks, and 42 pounds of cannabis, all to bring salvation to Palestine and hold space for the oppressed brown bodies of Gaza. There has never been a greater hero for peace. It was all Greta."
The award ceremony was scheduled to be conducted this December in the bombed-out husk of a hospital/Hamas missile staging area, rather than the traditional venue of Oslo.
"This is ridiculous," said President Trump upon hearing the news. "I made this incredible peace deal, and Greta had nothing to do with it. She's very sad, very low-IQ. And her hair, she needs to find a better hairstylist. It's so bad. Poor Greta. She's terrible. Very unhappy person. Probably because of the haircut."
At publishing time, the committee confirmed that Greta had won over runner-ups for the prize, Emmanuel Macron and Hamas.
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