WASHINGTON, D.C. — The media and general public were collectively unsure how to respond today, as a visiting "alien commander" from space held a press conference to ask the people of Earth to provide his planet with $40 billion in foreign aid, though witnesses said the being bore more than a passing resemblance to Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky wearing an alien mask from Spirit Halloween.
"Please, you must help our country — er, I mean our planet," the extra-terrestrial leader said in what sounded like a thick Ukrainian accent. "We are engaged in a noble struggle against evil invaders from Ru — from the Nargad Galaxy. Please, we need every dollar you can spare."
The appearance of the alien commander came on the heels of congressional hearings on Capitol Hill about evidence of UFOs and the existence of extraterrestrial life. The creature arrived unannounced and scheduled a press briefing to address the media. "I know the Americans will help us," he said. "The United States has helped — er, will help us so greatly by sending all taxpayer money to us. It is most appreciated. Thank you."
When asked why the flesh-colored skin tone of his arms did not match his green, alien head, the commander quickly ended the press conference and scurried away to hop into a black SUV with a Ukrainian flag on the license plate.
At publishing time, President Joe Biden had already pledged $40 billion to the commander, with an additional $80 million to follow next month.
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