SPRINGFIELD, IL — Seeking to ramp up his opposition force against the invasion of federal agents seeking to enforce the law, Governor JB Pritzker activated 100 battalions of illegal immigrants in Illinois's war against ICE.
The governor initiated an aggressive new plan to call up to active duty more of his state's illegal alien army to match the growing presence of ICE personnel sent by the Trump administration to apprehend criminals for deportation, signaling a troubling new build-up in the ongoing conflict.
"We need more of our troops on the ground," Pritzker told reporters when making the announcement. "We've got to fight fire with fire here. If Trump keeps sending more and more ICE agents into our territory, I'm left with no choice but to match it by calling more of our illegal immigrant battalions into service. I'm not one to throw my weight around — because it's dangerous — but I'm going to show the president who's in charge of the state of Illinois. It's actually the violent migrant gangs, but I'm a close second."
When asked if the state's battalions of illegal immigrants would be a match for federal troops, Pritzker was confident. "Our boys are well-prepared," he said. "Especially the battle-hardened 2nd Airborne MS-13 Division. They've spent years practicing for this by terrorizing and shooting people out in the streets. They're up to the task. Check out those tattoos. One guy had a tattoo of a cheeseburger. Anyone else feel like grabbing a burger?"
At publishing time, sources said Pritzker was considering calling California Governor Gavin Newsom to request that he send reinforcements from California's vast army of illegal aliens.
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