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Congress Assures Nation They're Working Tirelessly To Figure Out How To Take Advantage Of This Crisis

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congresspeople from both sides of the aisle assured the nation Friday they're going to try to take advantage of the current crisis in every possible way.

Americans were worried that this crisis was going to hit hard without any push from the government to present itself as the answer to all their problems. But lawmakers reassured Americans that they're working together to look at all the challenges of our current disaster and pull all the right strings so that they come out on top.

"Rest assured, America, we're working day and night to see how we can expand our unconstitutional powers, reduce individual liberty, and personally profit from this crisis," said one Republican senator. "If there's a liberty somewhere we haven't tried to stamp out, don't worry -- we have good people working on it."

"If there's a constitutional right to be trampled on in this -- we're on it," said one Democratic congresswoman. "All our best people are looking into all the ways we can exploit this crisis for our own gain. We have committees working long hours to see what kind of terrible bills we can slip through while the nation is distracted. Anyone who thinks we would let a good crisis like this go to waste is sorely mistaken."

Congress has also assured the nation that as soon as this crisis is over, they'll be looking for another to exploit.

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