WASHINGTON, D.C — GOP senators responded to concerns about the health of Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell by assuring the public they had spoken with him, just this morning in fact, by consulting with a medium identified as the Witch of Endor.
The witch, an aged woman who famously conjured up the spirit of the prophet Samuel for King Saul in the Bible's Old Testament, said McConnell is doing just fine.
"I traveled all the way to the Jezreel Valley in Israel and met this kindly old necromancer who was able to connect me with the senator and, let me just tell you, he's doing great," said Senator John Thune.
When asked why he traveled across the world to talk to a man in a local hospital, Thune offered no comment.
According to sources, McConnell was found unconscious at his home back on June 14 following an apparent cardiac event and is said to be recovering at an undisclosed hospital where only the Witch of Endor can reach him.
"I spoke to him for over twenty minutes this morning through an old woman who vocalized his cries through her own mouth," Senator John Barrasso of Wyoming said. "Sure, it's an unconventional way to talk to speak to someone, but it's standard for all dead politicians. I mean old. Old politicians."
At publishing time, the Witch of Endor also reported that Abraham Lincoln is pressuring Republicans to pass the SAVE Act.
Behold! Woke Jesus is teaching when the Pharisees bring to him a woman caught in adultery. Listen and learn from this cherished Bible story about how Woke Jesus turned to intersectionality.
