HEAVEN—Televangelist Kenneth Copeland spent a solid twenty minutes speaking in tongues during his broadcast this morning, leaving Almighty God puzzled as to what in tarnation Mr. Copeland was trying to say to Him.
"What—what is this dude blabbering on about?" said the Lord. "Did anyone catch any of that? Poor Kenneth! He doesn't seem to know English. Can someone please go tell him to just talk to me?"
According to those watching the broadcast, Copeland started off with a lot of ha-la-ba-la sounds, which had a nice Arabic flare to it. Then came the hard consonants, with what sounded like a hakuna-matata thrown in. Sadly, no one was there to interpret anything being said, leaving only the vague impression of a resounding gong. Then came the standard promise of blessings in return for cash.
The next day as Copeland was walking in for his broadcast, he stopped for a moment to look up. Seeing the vastness of sky, it suddenly struck him how very small he was; but then it struck him that to God, the whole world was very small. And this creator, this God, came near to His small little world because He loved the little things in it. The vastness of eternity became something slight—a man—to tear apart everything that separated the finite from the everlasting.
Standing outside the studio, he found himself momentarily disabused of everything separating him and God—his search for validation, his deep-seated nihilism—but then quickly remembered his Gulfstream jet payment was coming due and came to his senses.
According to sources, the Almighty is still waiting patiently for Copland to talk to him in plain English and confess his sins.