WORLD—In a modern-day repeat of the Tower of Babel narrative, the Lord has reportedly confused the languages of everyone who uses the internet in order to stop all the arguing.
The miraculous intervention occurred in an instant, as people around the world suddenly realized their means of communication had been scrambled so as to confound their efforts to flame each other.
A heavenly representative then released the following modern-day revelation, to be added to the end of the Bible, in order to record the event:
And the whole earth was of one internet, and of one online community.
And they said one to another, “Let us build websites and call them Facebook and Twitter, and we shall argue on them and call each other nazis and make each other miserable and angry.”
And the Lord came down to the see the websites which the children of men had built.
And the Lord said, “Behold, the people is one, and they have all one internet and this they begin to do: just yell and scream at each other and make straw-man arguments in their own image. They are completely useless, and they make me sad. Let us go down and there confound their language, that they may not understand one another’s speech, and thus stop all the stupid arguing and maybe do something useful with their time instead.”
So the Lord confounded their languages and broke Google Translate and the people were unable to use Twitter or Facebook get in pointless arguments with each other. Some then went on to do useful things, though most just watched something off Netflix.
At publishing time, humanity had agreed to begin to work together to figure out their new languages so they could resume arguing again as soon as possible.