CAMBRIDGE, MA — A group of prominent sociologists sounded an alarm this week, citing new data that indicated global fertility rates had hit historic lows while Elon Musk was busy with DOGE.
Experts warned that the human race faced a renewed risk of extinction due to the Tesla and SpaceX entrepreneur's preoccupation with his leading role in the Department of Government Efficiency, distracting him from repopulating the planet.
"There is a remarkable correlation between the drop in birth rates and the beginning of DOGE," said Professor Darren McPherson, lead researcher on the project at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. "Our study shows that as soon as Elon Musk's attention was diverted to his government role, the frequency of pregnancies and births around the globe began a steep decline. It is vital for humanity's survival that Elon Musk go back to doing what he does best: reproducing the human species."
The scientific study led to speculation that the birth rate crisis could see an immediate turnaround as soon as Musk decreases his time spent with DOGE. "We've all seen what he's capable of," McPherson continued. "According to our calculations, birth rates will improve dramatically within 8-10 months if Musk steps away from DOGE. It's important to avoid being overly dramatic, but the future of human civilization itself likely rests on Elon scaling back his DOGE role."
At publishing time, new reports indicated that Musk would continue in his role at the Department of Government Efficiency, causing experts to predict that mankind could die out by the time Donald Trump leaves office.
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