TEHRAN — According to U.S. intelligence sources, Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei couldn't believe his luck when he received a DM from a cute guy by the name of Jamesmohammed O'Keefibad.
The pair met on the Iranian version of Tinder, which is only accessible via the dark web. After a brief correspondence in which Khamenei divulged state secrets, the pair met for an impromptu romantic dinner under the stars. To prepare, the Ayatollah dressed in his best robe and made sure to bring his regime's nuclear plans in a Gucci bag, as requested by his online match.
"As a Muslim, homosexuality is strictly frowned upon, but this man — this incredible man — pulled me out of the closet and asked me out to dinner with him," the Ayatollah said. "He did seem to be carrying a briefcase that looked like it had a camera lens on the side of it, but I'm sure that's no big deal."
Jamesmohammed O'Keefibad, though appearing Caucasian, insisted he was a native Iranian associated with the Shiraz Mahameds near the Persian Gulf. He wore modest white clothing to signify his purity as one of 72 virgins for the Ayatollah — a detail Khamenei found particularly appealing.
"We have a date tonight at Davood & Busthar's," Khamenei said. "It's the hot new arcade in town where you can play this new game called the Pac-Man. Truly state-of-the-art. Thankfully, the arcade hasn't been destroyed in an airstrike yet."
At publishing time, American investigative journalist James O'Keefe had released a bombshell hidden camera social media video detailing his date with the ayatollah.
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