PARIS — French leaders came up empty-handed on Thursday after spending several days searching for someone in the rioting mob to surrender to.
Eyewitnesses reported that residents had spent the last three days attempting to signal unconditional defeat to anyone who would respond inside the rampaging crowd. However, the unruly mob ignored the pleas and continued hurling Molotov cocktails into buildings, ignoring the white flags being raised.
"We'd like to surrender as soon as possible," President Emmanuel Macron told reporters. "We're currently having trouble finding anyone to accept our capitulation, but we won't give up in our quest to give up."
Sources said the chaos was making it difficult for the government to calmly surrender in its traditional manner.
"It is an absolute logistics nightmare," said local baker Pierre Laurent. "We have tried kneeling, raising our hands, and offering up full administrative control of the city. But they just keep throwing bricks through my shopfront. How are we supposed to surrender when no one will stop shouting long enough to sign the terms of submission?"
By Thursday afternoon, city officials had deployed specialized surrender facilitators with megaphones to broadcast formal admissions of defeat directly at the crowd. The crowd responded by overturning a police car and smearing feces through the streets of the city.
At publishing time, French authorities were reportedly considering waving a giant white banner from the Eiffel Tower in a desperate final attempt to get the mob's attention.
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