U.S. — Fox News has announced that it is ready to officially project the winner of the papacy, calling the conclave for Joe Biden.
With zero percent of the vote counted and no one having any idea what's happening inside the Sistine Chapel, Fox News said it had all the data it needed to project Biden as the winner.
"We can now project that Joe Biden will be the 267th Pope of the Catholic church," said anchor Brett Baier. "We've seen all that we need to see. Fox News understands that no other network has yet made this call, and also that the Vatican said Biden's selection is literally impossible, but you are all wrong. Idiots."
Despite not being a Cardinal of the Catholic Church or clinically alive, Biden is predicted by Fox News to pick up several last-minute swing votes that will tilt the election his way. "While Pizzaballa is still expected to have the early lead with in-person voting, the mail-in ballots are going to go heavy to Biden," explained Dana Perino. "Tangle and Sarah are going to chip away in Pizzaballa's strong areas, leaving him vulnerable to dark horse candidate Joe Biden. It's over, folks."
At publishing time, Pizzaballa supporters had planned a "Stop the Steal" rally just outside St. Peter's Basilica.
Meet Andy, a completely blind umpire whose life is about to change radically.
