TALLAHASSEE, FL - Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has just signed into law a bill that legalizes stuffing kids who wear masks into lockers, giving them wedgies, and putting them into trash cans upside-down.
While previously these actions would have been prosecutable under charges like assault, battery, and false imprisonment, they are now legal actions to take as long as you're a student bullying other students for wearing masks.
"In other states, you can get detention or even criminal charges for this kind of bullying," said DeSantis. "But not on my watch. Here, in the free state of Florida, you can do whatever you want to those dweebs." DeSantis says the measure will intimidate kids who still want to wear masks, making them into men or women, "the only two genders you can be."
"Lock them up! Lock them up!" he shouted, leading the crowd in the chant.
You're also allowed to push their books and papers out of their hands and say, "Nice going, Nimrod" and then high-five your buddy Steve as you walk away triumphantly and they scramble to pick up their papers blowing away in the strong Florida winds.
Should you get your kid the new iPhone 14? Of course.