MEMPHIS, TN—According to sources, local first-time dad Mayton McDabb and his wife just had their first child, and McDabb is taking no chances with his brand-new baby. To make sure his precious cargo is safe at all times, he has purchased a surplus M1 Abrams war tank for the drive home from the hospital.
"Listen—I'm taking no chances here," said McDabb. "We will be driving no faster than 8 miles per hour all the way home. If any vehicle on the road threatens our safety in any way, it will be crushed by my new tank. Y'all have been warned."
Some criticized the move as a little extreme, except for all the Dads on earth worth their salt—who all thought it was extremely awesome.
McDabb's wife sat comfortably on a soft cushion deep within the armored belly of the tank as the valiant warrior-king patriarch led them home, vanquishing all who opposed him.
The decision to buy a tank backfired, however, after it was discovered the baby would only sleep if the tank was running.