The prophets have long whispered of the return of ULTRA-MAGA King Trump. In faith, we know that his return is inevitable and that he will soon reclaim the presidency and set right what has gone awry.
Here are the first 12 things Trump will do when he returns to power:
- Spray Febreze on the Oval Office curtains to get the old man smell out: Step one to draining the swamp is giving it a flowery scent.
- Make Pelosi wear a sweater on the beach: I mean, really.
- Welcome back Mike Pence, just to tell him he's fired: It'll be the highest ratings for a single episode of The Apprentice. Maybe ever.
- Invade Afghanistan so he can show how much better he would be at withdrawing from Afghanistan: He's been dreaming about this one every night when he goes to sleep.
- Finish building that wall, but make Hunter Biden pay for it: Hunter will borrow from Joe, who will borrow from China. 4D chess!
- Make everything at the dollar store $1 again: And abolish the Fed.
- Sneak out of the Oval Office for a quick 9 holes: Trump needs to keep his golf skills sharp so he can challenge Putin to a match for the fate of Russia.
- Bring back the McRib: And make it permanent this time!
- Find Osama Bin Laden's body and kill him again: USA! USA! USA!
- Declare total infinity immunity with no take-backs: Should put an end to congressional witch hunts.
- Put Dr. Fauci in the stocks in the National Mall so everyone can throw cabbage at him: Somewhere up there Samuel Adams is drunkenly smiling.
- Buy Greenland and make Mexico pay for it: And then drill for oil like there's no tomorrow.
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World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.