Politics
FBI Finds Buffalo Guy Grazing At Yellowstone Park

WYOMING—It was a blistering 7 below zero this morning at Yellowstone National Park, but that didn’t seem to faze Buffalo Guy Jake Angeli, who was grazing on the vegetation. 

FBI agents were made aware earlier this week that Yellowstone is Angeli’s natural habitat, so they arrived on the scene this morning with a warrant for his arrest and their weapons drawn.

“HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!” shouted FBI agent Patrick Henderson as Angeli’s head emerged from the tall grass. “HANDS ON YOUR HEAD!”

“You talking to me?” asked the Buffalo Guy with his mouth full. “Because these are clearly hooves, not hands.” Angeli then turned away and went to take a quick dip in the river.

“I’m warning you, I’ll shoot,” Agent Henderson said with his firearm pointed at the Buffalo Man. “I’ve got a warrant right here for your arrest.” 

“You can’t,” warned Angeli. “It’s illegal to shoot a buffalo out here in these parts.”

Without hesitation, Henderson shot Buffalo Man in the shoulder and moved in to make the arrest. Henderson had quite a time cuffing Buffalo Man, with the hooves and all, so he eventually just tied him up and threw him in the back of the FBI vehicle.

Angeli has petitioned to be tried as a buffalo. If his petition is granted he will be the first self-identified buffalo tried outside of California.

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