FBI Announces Epstein Killed Himself, Confirming Once And For All That Epstein Didn't Kill Himself

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Federal Bureau of Investigation made a definitive statement concluding that billionaire Jeffrey Epstein killed himself, confirming once and for all that Jeffrey Epstein did not kill himself.

FBI officials laid the longstanding controversy over Epstein's death to rest by announcing that his suicide was considered a closed case, which made it clear to everyone that the theories that Epstein was murdered were true.

"Our official stance is that it was a suicide," an FBI spokesperson told a gathering of reporters, who erupted with cheers and shouts of ‘We knew he got murdered!' and ‘Lock her up!' "We can finally confirm for you, right here and now, that there is no way Epstein was murdered. Saying there was foul play involved would be completely false."

The spokesman was then drowned out by the crowd, which was now abuzz over the official confirmation of the theory that Epstein had been murdered. The news came as a great relief to many who were waiting to hear the truth confirmed whenever the FBI decided to conclusively deny it.

"I'm so glad that it's finally out in the open," said part-time conspiracy theorist Jack Berger. "Now that they've confirmed that Epstein killed himself, I can finally sleep at peace knowing that the exact opposite is true."

At publishing time, the FBI had also finally confirmed that Harvey Lee Oswald killed JFK as part of a vast conspiracy by officially announcing that he had acted alone.